she finally sleeps.

zu has had a runnynose, slight-cold the past two weeks. during the day she plays fine but at night her coughing has gotten progressively worse so that this past week, everynight from midnight to five a.m., she wakes herself up coughing coughing coughing and can only be held by MOM-Maaaaa (how she announces she needs to be held).

thankfully my wonderful loving husband will usually get up with her after the first time so that my pregnant self can get some much needed sleep, but its been tough, and last night was awful. bryan was too tired from getting up with her the night before so i was up with her all night, then in the morning he had band practice at nine (and we're still on one car--but almost have money to fix our other car) so i dropped him off at church and came back and tried to get zu to nap so i could get dressed for church but she Wouldn't, she cried and cried and cried.

and if you've met zu, you know that she is a very active child--i don't think i could even get my jeans on before she was into something she's not supposed to be into. well in fact i know this--because that is what i experienced trying to get dressed this morning. i started to get pretty frustrated at this point, and through the whole time i'd been pretty grumpy about it, the only thing i did right was i did start praying about it because i was on the verge of tears and didn't see how we were going to make it to church in time, dressed, with our faces washed at least.

i always see these sweet "mother's prayers" on pinterest but in my experience as a mother, most of my prayers are Lord please help me or please give me patience or i'm failing at this, please help me do better. maybe i have not yet reached that advanced stage of mothering where my prayers become pretty and frame-worthy.

days like these make me really nervous about having another baby, when i'm barely handling the one i have. sometimes i think that if i get what i'm praying for, life will be easier, and maybe it will be in some ways. and sometimes i think that maybe God hasn't given me what I ask for because he's punishing me. i don't know why its so easy for me to believe the first half--God is just, i'm depraved and deserve nothing that I have--but the second part, that He loves me, i have trouble with that. i know it in my head but i forget it in my heart. or really satan asks me the same thing he asked eve--is it true? did God really say that?

No day in my life has past
That hasn't proved me guilty;
Prayers are uttered too fast
From a heart that's cold and empty.

Oh blessed Jesus,
May we find a covert in Thy wounds;
Though our sins, they rise to meet us,
How they fall next to the merits of you.

Oh, all in me calls for this,
It calls for my rejection;
This heavy unrighteousness,
Oh, is there no protection?

My best services are rags;
My best deeds are filthy.

Grant me hear Thy shoring voice,
That in Thy wounds is pardon;
Grant me see Thy willing choice
To make my hard heart softened.

Keep the broken-hearted sure,
Clinging to Thy cross, our cure.

Oh blessed Jesus,
May we find a covert in Thy wounds;
Though our sins, they rise to meet us,
How they fall next to the merits of you.

{indelible grace, a prayer for the broken hearted}


  1. I think we all feel that way at times. You've never failed at anything so far as I can tell, so I have every confidence you will handle two children with excellence. :) And you are doing better than us - we didn't even make it to church this morning!

  2. I'm always here if you ever need some help! And when new baby comes, I can come and watch the kids so that you can take a shower or take Zuzu on a mall date so that you can spend some time with the little one. You are a great MOMmaaaaaa, and your daughter loves you, and that's awesome :-)

  3. thanks for the encouragement y'all! i will take all the help i can get =)

  4. Did you steal my prayers to use on your blog?? :) Because that's pretty much what my prayers consist of too. No mother truly has it all together. If she says she does, she's either lying or delusional. But what matters more than meeting some invisible standard is that your family is well loved and well cared for, and I think you are doing that just fine.