unless the lord builds the house

the bookcase was on top of her, propped up partially by a chair it had fallen on. She was in the chair, a shelf over her neck, motionless. My husband had just left the room, and our youngest was asleep, and I had just run up to work for a couple hours.

When he heard the crash, he ran back into the room, lifted it off her, checked to see if she was fine. Thank God, she was—the bookcase she had decided to climb, to get her “favorite book” from the top shelf, was lightweight and had mostly dvds in the middle.  She was a little shaken up, like we were, but fine. Not seriously injured or dead, like she could have been. 

I’d seen those articles that float around facebook from time to time about securing your furniture to the wall, but I’d never done it. I always thought that since we’re pretty  much with the girls 24/7, this would never happen. But it did. Despite all of our vigilance and care, she still got hurt. 

Even after securing those shelves to the wall though, what other million things are there in a home, even a baby-proofed home, that a toddler can hurt or kill herself on? I’m a mom, so I can pretty much spot 100 things that can kill a baby in a room at a glance.  

Not to mention the scary world outside the room, and the home—sometimes raising girls feels likes being the mother of Gretel or Red Riding Hood or Goldilocks—tender little things skipping through the dark, wolf and witch and monster ridden forest.

Last week, I was reading the Psalms and came across this chapter:

Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127

I’m familiar with that first verse in the second stanza—“children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward”—what mother hasn’t heard that, and tried to remember it when the kids are screaming and covered with crusty whats-it and sleep is little and disciplining the children is lots.

But I had never paid much mind to the first half of the poem. The first half can’t be divorced from the second though—good poets don’t arbitrarily pair stanzas together, they are meant to be read in relation to each other, and in the order they are written in. I don’t think it is too wild to interpret the first half in relation to the second—to see it as, also, about raising up children.

No matter how hard I work to raise up my kids, feed them good food, educate them, clothe them, play with them—unless God builds my house, I labor for nothing.

No matter how much I babyproof, no matter how many bookshelves I nail securely to the wall, unless the Lord watches over my house, I stay awake in vain.
 

No matter how much I work and worry, no matter how many hours I stay up late to get the floor mopped and breakfast prepped for the morning, no matter how many mornings I wake up at the crack of dawn to take care of the baby who loves to wake up before the sun, all of this is for nothing, it is vanity, unless I am resting in the Lord’s promises to take care of us.

“He gives to his beloved sleep” – what a promise! Of course God knows a promise involving sleep will woo any hard-headed parent of little ones.  

Not only do I not have to worry that my children’s ultimate safety, well-being, education, health, etc, all depend on my performance, my intelligence, my self-sacrifice and mommy-awesomeness, God reminds us in the second stanza that we aren’t rewarded when our children are the best kids in the class or make it to adulthood perfect, we are rewarded by the fact that we have children.

They are the reward. We are living with that reward right now, spit-up stained shirts, messy-ponytails and all.

everything

"that june morning was when jesus plus nothing equals everything--the gospel--became for me more than a theological passion, more than a cognitive catch-phrase. it became my functional lifeline. Rediscovering the gospel enabled me to see that:

because Jesus was strong for me, I was free to be weak

because Jesus won for me, I was free to lose

because Jesus was someone, I was free to be no one

because Jesus was extraordinary, I was free to be ordinary

because Jesus succeeded for me, I was free to fail."

- Tullian Tchividjian

“Above All, Trust in the Slow Work of God”

We entered the year with questions and God was swift to answer—with no after no after no. i wanted some good things--maybe to move closer to family or farther and do mission work, or see bryan in full-time ministry, or maybe for me to be a stay at home mom. God said no to those good things though, because his plan is better and he can see the grand scope of things while i have such a narrow view. and i can trust his plan is better and that his plan is because he loves me, because the bible tells me so, even though my heart doesn't believe it a lot of the time. 

When the year began, before moving forward, bryan talked with close friends and spiritual leaders. the conversations made me really mad—they weren’t what I wanted to hear. There was no stamp of approval; our friends and leaders were in consensus, separately drawn, spirit-led, I believe, that we’re to stay, at least a while longer.

then what I least expected came about—taking a step back from ministry. Until December, we led a small group at our house once a week, I worked nursery, bryan played in band, was an elder, counted tithe, wrote the church newsletter, gave the communion message once every month or two, and..well, i could go on. what weren't we doing? it was part of what was making our schedule hard—but we thought ministry is always good, so this is necessary--then elders were asked to give an additional ten hours a week of their time, and bryan couldn’t do it. 

He won't be getting ordained in the spring; even though he came to the decision along with our pastor, i know he’s disappointed because when he came home to tell me this, he had that certain pause he has before he plunges into bad news. i cried--i still feel heartbroken about it. they had agreed that instead of continuing with the ministry he’s been doing as an elder, right now he needs to focus on his ministry to me and the girls

part of me feels like a huge failure. Wasn’t I a seminary wife for three years? I should be able to do without his help enough to give up those extra ten hours. I can’t though. At least not right now—maybe one day I can be like those church ladies I so admire, hauling five kids to church with a smile on their face with their husband at the church early and staying late. God has got whole lot of work to do on me before I’m there. 

last night zu was hungry and waiting in her high chair for me to fix dinner. bryan was at work, june was on my hip. she was getting a bit impatient and started saying "mommy i want Something! mommy i want Something! mommy i want SOMETHING!"

i think that is maybe how i sound to God. good thing he loves me infinitely much better than i even love my little ones. 

I pray that God shows me sweetness in staying, even when our schedule is tough and not what i thought was best; that God shows me, one day, how this was first-best for us, not a making-do, transitional, hold-over time waiting for the best; that God gives me patience with my babies and my husband, even when I’m tired and especially when I’m hungry; that God calms my crazy, bent and blind heart, and works in me, slowly.

what I say I want (and want to want) and what I really want

1. To serve God, to serve my family, to die to self, to be more like jesus
2. To be admired, to be noticed, to been seen as special, talented, a deep thinker, to be envied, to have success, to be beautiful or seen as beautiful, to have comfort, to not have to take care of anyone but myself, to be a consumer, to be right, to be better than you, especially if you are my sister or my friend.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139: 23-24

a question of calling

I went to church sunday partially because I didn’t want to miss the next sermon in the series, but, I’ll be honest, primarily because I’d had the girls by myself for going on four days and wanted to have a coffee and sit in peace for an hour or so while the girls were in nursery. Not the best motivation, but it did get us out the door. 

my pastor ‘s vocation is teaching at a private school in town. He was talking about how work is worship—that we are created to work and to worship,  and we worship through our work too. he said that he is an introvert, the intj personality (me too).  yet he has an extrovert job, teaching (me too!). and sometimes it just wears him out because of that (me too…). but God created him to be a teacher, even though it is hard for him at times. And sometimes God made us to do a work that is hard for us.

i half expected him to stop and say "i'm talking to you, RENEE EMERSON!"

 

Since I got my job, I had always thought it was going to be a temporary thing. after all, my kids are really little and we want more in the future.  my husband is really involved in ministry, so he needs my support. I’m bad at public speaking—in college I often cried or fainted after/during speaking in public. 

Despite all that, here I am, two years later, still teaching.  I’ve struggled with it. often in my prayers, I ask God what is the deal—how could he have me doing this job for when I’m obviously not made for it. 

I know I was made, like many women, to be a wife and mother, and made, more specifically to me, to be a writer. Maybe it is possible that  I was also made to teach and my having a teaching job is not just a stop-over on my way to doing what I’m really supposed to do, whatever that is. Maybe it isn’t a roadblock or a hindrance or a heavy burden but it is God allowing me to use a gift he’s given me, the gift of teaching. 

Two years of thinking a certain way, changed by a five-minute rabbit-trail in a sermon. God’s given me much to think on this month.

at the root of it

“the snake’s words hissed into her ears and sunk down deep 

into her heart, like poison. Does God love me? Eve wondered. 

Suddenly she didn’t know anymore. 

 -          From The Terrible Lie, The Jesus Storybook Bible

peace like a river

8am in the emerson house: a chorus of mommy-mommy-mommy and waaaaaah from our two girls. bryan was on the couch with a headache again (needs new glasses--they should be here within the week), but was able to watch them for a second while i ran to the bathroom to put in my contacts. when i got back zu was crying because she couldn't have animal crackers for breakfast, bryan was feeling sick, the baby was screaming. i fixed zu and bryan some peanut butter toast and tried to get june to nurse herself to sleep.

oh the past couple weeks have just been this way.  zu threw up overnight one night. june got some sort of snotty cold thing. our car-port got infested with fleas (which resulted in our living room getting infested with fleas and having to set off a bugbomb and leave the house for five hours with both girls). i drowned in a flood of online class papers. a pilates class started this week that i really wanted to go to but each time i have had to miss it because my family needed me. last friday night i woke up vomiting which continued the entire weekend.

the only time i'm not with the girls is at work, frantically trying to fit all my prep work for the week into the one-hour sliver of quiet office time i have before trekking across campus to teach my (admittedly wonderful this semester--such bright students!) creative writing class. before i head to work, i fix zu lunch, nurse june, pull my hair up in a ponytail and grab my lunch (typically a fresca and a granola bar, popcorn if we're out of granola bars).

i'm always running, i'm always needed, and sometimes i feel like i'm smothered by so many hands grasping at me, looking to me for this or that or everything.

i know this is just a time in my life and things will slow down. i can't change what's needed of me right now--they all really do need as much as they're asking for--i can control my attitude about it though.

i'm going to admit that my attitude about it is sometimes not so good. sometimes i feel frustrated, overwhelmed, angry. sometimes i just want to take a plate and smash it. sometimes i just want to go hide in the bathroom and cry. but i know breaking a plate would mean slivers that could hurt little feet. and on the other side of the door would be zu crying with her hurt little heart.

a good day starts with a good attitude. i've been thinking still on the fruits of the spirit--self-control, kindness, peace, patience--and how much i want more of those things in me. my pastor says that if you are a christian, the fruit of the spirit is available for you to indulge in, to take and eat. i picture it as the gnarled old peach trees growing on my parent's land when i was a kid, how they'd grow the biggest brightest peaches that burst with juice everytime you bit into one. i want peace like that--peace dripping down my chin.

i can understand why people would go after things like meditation and buddhism and those eastern religions--looking for a peace that passes understanding. i think that type of peace is impossible without christ. and christians are offered it in abundance, to indulge in, to eat our fill of! i want my fill of it.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:11

like a city broken down

Whoever has no rule over is own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.
Proverbs 25:28

Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.
 Proverbs 16:32

lack of self-control leaves you unprotected, and to be in control of yourself makes you more than a king. i love the comparison of controlling yourself to controlling a kingdom--it makes me think of all those myriad wants and desires and thoughts and feelings running amok in there like wild peasants.

i've been studying on self-control lately, and examining where i need more of it in my life. i think most people immediately jump to the idea of self-control in diet when they hear anything about self-control, but there is much more to it than that--

Areas where self-control is needed (from feminagirls):

Emotions: Anger, resentment, self-pity, receiving correction, listening, being submissive and respectful, etc. Though a woman can “blame” hormones for monthly outbursts, that does not excuse the outbursts. This means preventative prayer is needed. In other words, if you know you are more vulnerable certain times of the month, then pray the rest of the month that God will prepare you for that time when you are easily tempted.

Desires/Thoughts: Sexual, physical appetites; covetousness, worldliness. Self-control is also needed for a lack of desire as well.

Actions: The tongue, shopping and spending habits, nervous habits, food and drink, music and film, Bible reading and prayer, rising early, doing our duties.

i'm trying to be more aware of areas where my self-control is weak and where i struggle--and how to avoid situations where i tend to lose my self-control. at twentyseven years old, i know myself well enough to know where i struggle.  i know that sometimes too much time on social networking can cause me to struggle with feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. that postpartum hormones plus skipping lunch equals an unusually unwieldy tongue. that an entire cake in the house is never a good idea.

so sometimes this means i don't keep sweets in the house. i delete facebook. i don't window-shop my favorite store when there's no extra money in the budget. not every situation where i'm going to struggle with my self-control is avoidable--hello, i live with three other wonderful sinful beautiful fallen creations--but part of self-control for me is side-stepping situations where i'm apt to lose it.

Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 
I Corinthians 9:25

self-control isn't something that can originate in me though; it is a fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience.....and selfcontroh-oh-ol!), evidence of the work God is already doing in me. and while i do exercise these choices in avoiding areas where i lack selfcontrol, i avoid these areas because i believe that God has something better.

I will be calm. I will be mistress of myself.

-Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

with heart

this week kicks off the fall semester. bryan works long shifts at the library as they prepare for the arriving students, and i have a few faculty meetings/"retreats" to attend. i have a great schedule this semester--only one class on campus, the rest online--so i'll only be away from the girls six hours a week, and bryan will be with them during that time, since our work schedules puzzle-piece together that way.

as thankful as i am for my light work schedule this semester, i am struggling this week. we're in an odd economic bracket where we don't have one of us making enough for a parent to stay home full time or for daycare, but we do make enough for one of us to be part-time.

right now that one happens to be bryan, though we don't know what the future will hold. i am thankful that the girls get to spend time with him while i am at work, and that he is humble enough to provide for our family in that way (because providing for a family is about everyone chipping in to do their part, not necessarily just a financial thing).

but sometimes i get overwhelmed. it is hard work keeping up with a full time job and two-under-two, not to mention keeping house, writing, and nurturing my relationship with bryan. the hardest work i have ever done.  some semesters, like this past spring, leave me tired and beaten down. they leave me afraid that i won't be able to bear the weight of it all, to work in these roles God has given me.

so this week i've been dwelling on a verse a dear friend emailed me for encouragement:

 "whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as until the Lord, not unto men."

there are definitely going to be times this semester where i drop the ball--burn dinner, forget to brush the girls hair, turn in papers a week late, what have you, there are going to be mistakes, and that is something i need to accept because i'm not called to do it all perfectly, i'm called to do it heartily

i like the king james version of that verse-- heartily, meaning vigorously, cheerfully, with zest and zeal and passion. whatever i am doing this semester, i want to do it heartily--whether its playing ponies with zu on our living room floor or teaching metaphor, when i am there i want to be all there. because ultimately, all of this is for the Lord.

why we go to church

references: 1 John, especially the first chapter, understanding that "fellowship" refers to "church". also our church has a sermon series on fellowship that you can listen to here or read some notes from here. i apologize for the references not being more exact!

~

how we define church: 
a place where christians gather to -

a- study the scriptures, especially the gospel
b- worship corporately through singing, prayer and service
c- minister to one another through spiritual gifts
d- have communion and baptism
e- administer church discipline

it takes all of these to be the church, and church discipline is meant to remove someone from the fellowship that comes with points a through d; willfully separating oneself from the church is unknowingly administering church discipline on oneself.

~

why attend church:

1| God is in perfect fellowship with himself, and we should model our lives after God

2| According to 1 John 1, the church has fellowship with one another so they can have fellowship with God, and so that our joy may be complete.

3| To partake in points a - b of what defines a church (study of scripture, singing prayer and service with other believers, ministry to others through spiritual gifts, communion and baptism, and church discipline)

4| To have community with believers of all age groups, socioeconomic status, and races


when we come across a christian tradition that has lasted for hundreds or even thousands of years, we should ask ourselves why this tradition exists. is it based on scripture or something else? in the case of attending church, we have clear references in Acts and the letters to the specific congregations in the new testament