what I say I want (and want to want) and what I really want

1. To serve God, to serve my family, to die to self, to be more like jesus
2. To be admired, to be noticed, to been seen as special, talented, a deep thinker, to be envied, to have success, to be beautiful or seen as beautiful, to have comfort, to not have to take care of anyone but myself, to be a consumer, to be right, to be better than you, especially if you are my sister or my friend.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139: 23-24


  1. Ugh, this stepped on my toes!

  2. I love the honesty. I definitely have felt some of those before, too. I never really thought about it before today, but that prayer in Psalms is such a brutal prayer-- I really am scared by the idea of God searching and knowing my heart, because there's so much there to see that isn't good. There are many grievous ways in me. But I agree with the Psalmist-- lead me out of it and "in the way everlasting." :)

  3. i love this. this is a huge part of what God was teaching me (and is teaching me still) out of our SFL class. it's so hard to realize that what you say you believe (or want in this case) and what you actually believe are usually two very separate things. so if i say i want jesus, but i live my day like i want everything or anything else, then i really don't want Him. but it's so nice to know that i can pray this prayer, like peter-- "Lord, I believe-- Lord help my unbelief!" and that i can pray- "God i don't desire you, but i Want to." it's been such an amazing life-altering thing to be learning. so freeing to know that He accepts us as we are, and gives us time to come to Him-- and whatever we ask for in Him we will be given. so none of it is vain or wasted.