joyful

my parents came in town this past weekend. my mom and i went out maternity clothes shopping--not that i particularly NEED maternity clothes (certainly not yet--and maybe not ever, i have a lot from last time)--but it was fun! i got some cute tops for when i get all rounded out. oh and its fun just going everywhere saying "do you have a maternity section, because I'm Pregnant!" or "lets have chocolate cake--I'm Pregnant!" I'm always hesitant to jump into the celebrating because I'm most worried about miscarriage the first few weeks--I keep thinking "is this real??" and I am afraid to let myself feel the full amount of joy. But bryan tells me that if we were to lose the baby, Lord forbid, that avoiding joy over the baby right now wouldn't diminish the weight of that terrible grief.  and he's right. and I do feel that we're not supposed to have a spirit of fear--so this week I've finally I guess gotten comfortable with it. I've started to tell more people, started to pat my belly and talk to Zu about her little brother or sister. and I'm letting go of being fearful and letting myself become full of joy.