motherhood

“Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own.”  { M. Kelley

my first mother's day in a year where i was actually mothering and not just a mother (last year i was growing rounder and rounder as little zu became ready for the world) approaches and i've been thinking on how much things have changed this year.

i love being a mom. bryan and i want to add many many to our brood (we would like to have a "brood"). bryan is much more confident than me--in my flurried search for things to worry about (that i have no control over) i wonder how we'll handle Two (one day) how everything will work.

God blessed us with possibly the most easy going happy baby possible. she's always smiling, has slept through the night since 6 weeks, hasn't been sick once. my mom says that God gave us her first so we'll give her more grandbabies sooner than later.

the first two months were hard though, really hard! i don't think any amount of reading or babysitting or mental preparation can prepare you for how hard it is. for me, despite feeling great (besides morning sickness) my entire pregnancy, i had a lot of emotional trouble the first few months. in my foolish arrogance, i'd always assumed post-partum depression was made up (like i once thought ADHD was made up--i know. my goodness.) until i had it.

i think it was harder than it had to be though; i didn't want to really talk about it because i felt guilty about feeling that way--i was so happy about zuzu but not feeling so great about myself, and i worried that if i talked about it, people would think i didn't love my baby.

and even though bryan and i have a great relationship, he didn't know how to help me. i would talk some about the thoughts i was having and he wouldn't know how to fix it (because guys generally want to fix any problem you tell them about). i remember at one point sitting on our couch and telling me how i was feeling--worthless, a failure, inadequate, withdrawn--without going into too much detail, thoughts i never thought i'd have.

its crazy how i can look back and see that i was Not at all myself, not at all thinking straight, but at the time i felt like what i was feeling made perfect sense, i had no idea that what i was dealing with was all hormonal and temporary.  my family on my father's side has trouble with depression, so maybe its just something i was genetically prone to. i'd never had as much trouble with it before--some poetic malaise, some standard teenage sadness, such thoughts that anyone has at some point or other.

anyway, all that to say, after the first few months it went away and i was able to relax into the role of motherhood. i hope that it was just something i had to deal with the first time; that the second time around, whenever that may be, my hormones will be more level or, knowing that i have a tendency, i'll be better prepared and not sink into it so thoroughly.

these past few months, as zuzu grows and smiles and  has such irrepressable joy, looking back at those first few sad months was so long ago, a lifetime ago, or maybe something another person experienced. i honestly don't love to talk about the first few months very often...it brings up feelings i don't want to revisit, and so its a conversation i drop out of when it comes up among the church-moms and such.

God has been so faithful to me. i'm not a "born mother" (anyway, mothers aren't born, they're made--a quote  i read recently and thoroughly believe) and i have so much to learn. i'm thankful for the sweet girl God gave me and i hope to be a mother to many more little babies in the coming years. and these times feel even sweeter to me, like the sun coming out after rain.

my broken bones rejoice.